Cowboy Hats & Coffee Huts: April 2015

The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers

author -- Meg Meeker, M.D.

I originally picked up The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers by Meg Meeker because my husband suggested it; he'd read Meeker's Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters and has been a devoted fan since.

In 10 Habits, Meeker puts into comprehensible words several of my disorganized thoughts on what motherhood has become in the 21st century; an endless ball of nerves surrounded by blazing messages warning doom around every corner! Well, maybe that's an exaggeration but she does touch on many of the toxic habits mothers today struggle with and how to rid our lives of this negativity. Interwoven into her sound advice are beautiful success stories meant to inspire and encourage us on our journey to be the moms we so desperately want to be.

The habits Meeker says emotionally healthy, happy mothers practice are as follows: understanding our value as moms, maintaining friendships, faith, refusing to compete, good money management, spending time alone, knowing how to love in healthy ways, simplifying our lives, refusing to live in fear, and, last but not least, having hope. Wow, what a great list but a tall order indeed!

I was pleasantly surprised to find some of these habits come naturally to me. Others, I've already recognized as needing to be part of my core identity long before I read Meeker's mothers' handbook. However, there were several areas where her advice really helped steer me toward total mother happiness.

The first would be understanding my value as a mother. In this section, she has the reader do an exercise which may feel silly but is so effective -- making a list of positive things we love about ourselves and repeating it over and over in our head throughout the day. I was game for it and discovered, after a few days practicing this, my perception of who I am as a person cleared and I had a healthy, genuine confidence (even when facing rejection).

Another chapter that really spoke to me (and I'm sure it will touch a nerve with many of us in this crazy rat race) was one in which Meeker calls us to simplify our lives. A section of this addresses the illusion that a busy mom is a successful mom. How freeing for me! I've always envied moms who just seem to be everywhere at once doing everything all the time. To me, they seemed so important! What Meeker says, however, is that it's okay to not be busy and many happy mothers aren't. *aaannndddd, deep breath of relief. woosah*

If you can't tell already, I would highly recommend this book to any one of my fellow mom sisters! (Or even curious husbands who want to understand the inner workings of their wives' minds.) But, be warned, some of these ideas will call you to be brave and let go of bad habits that have become part of your identity. Don't be the unhappy woman who picks this book up, reads until she finds something she doesn't want to try, and throws it down declaring Meekers standards impossible. Hard? Yes. Impossible? No.

My guess is if you crack this book open, you (like me) could use a little smoothing on those rough edges. So, knowing that, embrace some advice and try something new! After all, much of what we're doing isn't working out for us. If I don't like my new "habits," I can very easily revert back to the old ones.

I call on all of us to go ahead and give these ten habits a try!

~excerpts~

(and portraits of mothers from around the world and different times)

from Get A (Good) Grip On Humility
"...being humble does not mean being self-effacing... It is embracing a realistic look at our frailties as well as our strengths and then believing that we, just as other mothers who have their own frailties and strengths do, share inordinate value... Humility brings extraordinary freedom. When we lower ourselves, refuse to admit our strengths and gifts, or live with false modesty, we lower all mothers. Many of us do this without even realizing that we are doing it."

from Focus On Your Deeper Purpose In Life
"Each of us was created to fill a calling. First and foremost, we were born to be really good moms. We weren't born to be mothers who are thin, rich, smart, who drive a lot, buy our kids great clothes, or get them into good colleges. We were born to leave a mark on our world. And usually, that mark is made on our kids and then on others' lives. Sometimes it leaves its mark because of something we have done for another person and other times it happens because we were with that person. We are beings -- mother beings. We are human beings but we focus so constantly on the doing of life that we forget how to be. Our deeper purpose in life flows from a sense that our presence is important to another person. We have something to share with another and sometimes this takes work, and sometimes it means simply being who we are in the company of another."

from The Friendship That Changed My Life
"'Patricia?' I called from behind...We chatted for almost twenty minutes as I tried to draw the conversation out as long as possible before broaching the sensitive subject that had prompted me to introduce myself. Finally... I summoned the courage to ask this stranger to come live in our home for as long as she saw necessary... We made arrangements for me to pick her up from the woman's shelter where she was currently staying... She came for three weeks and stayed a year and a half. I cried like a baby when she moved out... During our twelve-year friendship, she suffered a stroke and two bouts of pneumonia, and had a defibrillator placed in her heart to correct irregular heart rhythms... With every hospitalization, electric shock, or round of antibiotics, Patricia grew older... Every day I drove by her house and checked to see if her lights were on or her plants were watered -- signs that she was still there and alive... What most impressed me was the way in which Patricia talked about God. Her voice quieted and became softer. She used adjectives when describing Him like kind, gentle, and nurturing... One dark October morning, I got a phone call from my husband... Patricia had slipped into a coma. She never came out of it... We tired of waiting and watching her not respond. I grew impatient and angry at her God, who she said was so nice... On the sixth night of her hospitalization... We [a friend and I] snuck into her room long after visiting hours were over and heard the gentle puff of her respirator... something was different. I looked at my friend and asked if she noticed anything different about Patricia. She ever so slightly nodded her head... 'She's not here,' my friend whispered in astonishment... We sensed... that Patricia had passed into heaven before her body gave out. The next morning the doctor advised her children that, since there was no hope of Patricia getting better, he be allowed to take her breathing tube out... 'Don't be afraid,' I told them first. 'Your mom does not want you to be afraid. She wasn't afraid to die.'... The four told the doctor to remove the tube... I held her bony hands in mine and kissed them as the doctor yanked the plastic and tore the tape from her face... Something extraordinary happened. I felt calmness consume me... It was all okay... During our friendship, Patricia taught me to be a better mother... She taught me to forgive myself... She taught me, in her life, that God is good, because she opened her heart and shared secrets with me... And in her death, she showed me how good God can be."

from How Cindy Confronted Jealousy And Turned It Around
"Competition is a powerful force, and it has the potential to destroy. But once it's confronted and brought into the open, it can be surprisingly easily overcome. Jealousy between mothers, especially, is ugly stuff and there is no place for it... We all harbor it to one degree or another because we are women who want life to go well, and when we think we see someone else get everything easily, we want what she has. But it doesn't have to be that way."

from Look Close To Home For Contentment -- Not To Money
"So let's do it! Let's strip money of the power that it holds over us as women, as mothers. Rather than simply devising scenarios whereby we can make the balance between work and mothering teeter perfectly, let us shatter the notion that making money defines our worth (or part of it), ensures our independence, gives us complete security, and grants us power. Is it outrageous to shatter the money paradigm altogether and embrace the belief that, as mothers, our worth stems from something far deeper? Can we believe that our independence erupts from our human spirit, our power comes from our female humanity, and our security is born from something more significant than money? If we believe that money is part of life but not the driving force that can make us happy (although it never really does) or make us miserable, if we take bold measures, we'll see that real contentment never has a price tag."

from The Getting -- Problems With Anger, Lack Of Trust, And A Different Kind Of Expectation
"Giving love is hard, but getting (or accepting) it back is just as difficult for many of us mothers. The main culprit is anger that has hidden underground. And many of us moms are experts at being angry and neither showing nor feeling it. Anger is tied to too many other emotions. We feel pressure, particularly when our kids are young, not to show disappointment, anger, or frustration at the young people they are. But we need to address this issue because we are the ones who live with the smoldering suffocation of latent anger. We are the ones who miss out because we don't want to give it up and allow the great infusion (or even trickles) of love from all sides and from all sorts of people in our midst."

from Inward Simplicity -- Find Your True Purpose, And Let The Rest Go
"In short, we live with an overriding sense that we have ultimate control over who our kids become when they are adults. We therefore believe that every decision we make can potentially alter the outcome of their lives. And this is an enormous burden to carry. I want to be clear here. Parents are the primary influence in a child's life concerning character development, but the truth is, even our influence is very limited."

from Loosen Your Grip
"Simplicity is the disciplined art of letting go. It means willfully determining that your inner self needs some focus, some paring down and reorganization of priorities. And once we have given attention to that inner self, it needs help. We must attach a pair of feet to it in order that it can stay alive and work out its intentions. Giving is the best way to help that process begin."

from Desensitize, Step-By-Step
"What do I do to overcome my fear of rejection by my husband when I speak?... I...invite him to as many of my lectures as possible... It ignites even more trepidation, but I need to address him more frequently in order to overcome this irrational fear. My friend Sandy did the same with her girlfriends. As an at-home mother with four kids, she felt intimidated to join a business group for women. She was a psychology major in college 'a hundred years ago,' as she always said, and felt that she would have nothing intelligent to say to her peers. Would she have good contributions to make to the group? Of course. But that reality didn't help squelch her fear of feeling like a fool and being rejected by her friends. So what did she do? She joined (with a lot of coaxing) a women's investment group and a book club. But she didn't stop there. She made herself speak up in the groups. She wouldn't simply go and listen; she was determined to get over the gnawing in her gut that other women would think she was stupid, and so she made herself engage in discussions."

from Learn To Trust
"Many mothers put hope in their kids. Others put hope in God. Personally, I think that God is the better bet. If God is real, then believing that He is good helps us put trust in Him for future events. Hope keeps us moving forward and by putting hope in God, we are choosing to believe that ultimately He will bring about good for us."

Monday, April 13, 2015

What I'm Reading

Monday, April 13, 2015

What I'm Reading

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