Your Friend's Infertility & What You Should Know

I cannot even count the dozens and dozens of these I went through before I saw this result!

I struggled with infertility for years; six combined with our two girls.  It was one of the hardest, most unique, long-term battles I've ever fought.  However, it was also an experience that taught me the most about myself. 

Many people don't know what to say or do when someone they know is going through this trial.  Often times feelings are hurt, not because someone was intentionally cruel but simply because they were naive as to how infertility feels and works.

I've comprised a list things you should know about women and couples who deal with infertility.  (Keep in mind, all our stories are different and not every one of these rules will apply to all women; they are just rule of thumb.)  

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1. This is a private battle. 

Your friend who can't seem to get pregnant may not want to talk about it and, if she does, she may not want you blabbering about it to other people. 

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2. Don't ask a woman when she's going to have kids. 

"So, when are you and Jerry going to have kids?  I mean, you're not getting any younger... "

You may not know the whole story.  

(2b. Don't ask a couple if they are going to have more kids.  We've all done this.  However, more and more often, I'm meeting couples who may have had kids and are unable to get pregnant again.) 

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 3. Don't offer suggestions on how to get pregnant.

Your friend has google. Trust me; she's tracking her ovulation days like a pirate counting down steps to buried treasure, has become proficient in handstands (don't ask), and knows the local acupuncturist by first name. Whatever awesome nugget of information you have to share has been tried. 

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4. For the love of all that is good, don't say the classic
"Just relax and don't want it so badly. Then it will happen."

 

While there might be a shred of truth to this, how is she supposed to do that? Wanting a child is not a light switch. You can't announce to your uterus, "Ignore my heart; I don't want children!  *wink wink* " 

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5. Never ever ever EVER suggest her inability to get pregnant
is somehow her fault because of something she did. 

"Oh, you had that done? Well, no wonder." "You were on birth control! Well, that's why." Is this really necessary? Some things are the way they are and making her feel as if she's to blame is only going to make her cry and cause her husband to HATE you. 

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6. Don't feel like you can't enjoy the fact that you and your spouse
got pregnant on accident or, after trying for a month,
BAM!, new baby on the way. 

 

Celebrate, post on FaceBook, this is a big moment for you! I'm not going to lie and say that your friend who can't have a child won't feel a pull at her heart watching babies be born everywhere, but that's her struggle, not yours. She's not a jerk; she's happy for you and wants you to be happy even if it is a reminder of something she's working through. Invite her to baby showers. Don't leave her out of your celebration. Trust me, she knows what a blessing you've been given.

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 7. Please don't exclude her from groups because she doesn't have children. 

Being a childless couple can sometimes be awkward; you're not in the single scene but you can't get to the minivan stage.  

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 8.  If the couple who've struggled with infertility for years gets pregnant,

don't pester them about what sex they want

or state that all that matters is a healthy baby.

Boy?  Girl?  Who cares!!!!  It's FINALLY happening!!!

 True story -- by the time my hubby and I got pregnant, we did not care what gender we got. Finally! A baby! 

And what's with the healthy comments? Yes, we want our children healthy but we'd waited for so long having a special needs child or some unforeseen struggle would have been totally do-able. They would have been a precious life we'd prayed for for so long. A living child, that's what we wanted.

Also, if that newly pregnant couple makes a BIG deal about every prego milestone, anticipating and planning for labor like it's a bigger deal than their wedding, it's because they've waited their whole life for that moment (which is true of almost every childbirth whether realized or not.) 

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9.  Last of all, infertility is a unique ache.

Even though I live in a liberated, modern society,
not being able to have a baby was devastating emotionally.
Wrong or right, I felt broken and it was something I had to grapple with
and eventually heal from (but that's for a different blog...).

 

Unless you've gone through it, you probably don't know exactly how it feels. Even if you have, you still put your foot in your mouth plenty of times when trying to give encouragement to others...

 

The End

(pregnancy test) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/geishabot/4441250565/">ninacoco</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">cc</a>

(alone on beach) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/shandilee/5587813144/">Shandi-lee</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

(girls in park) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/chrisjl/4627622009/">Chris JL</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

(1930s Make Love book) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/crash-candy/2346982766/">CRASH:candy</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">cc</a>

(Calm) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/thomashawk/324181948/">Thomas Hawk</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">cc</a>

 

(black and white portrait) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/carolinatarre/3907259843/">Carolina Tarre</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">cc</a>

(fortune cookie) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/67274304@N07/6134034797/">kissedbysunshine</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">cc</a>

(mom's with strollers) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/63854529@N00/422441141/">skeddy in NYC</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">cc</a>

(pregnant on beach) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/brennaphotos/3419870216/">brennaval</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

(woman on bed) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/paix_et_amour/3834975926/">.Andi.</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

 

5 Things I've Said And Wish I Could Take Back

Did I really say that?

We've all done it; loudly and proudly made statements and declarations only to end up eating our words later in life.  I guess the old adage "never say never" is 100% right!

There are countless things I've loudly touted as a correct viewpoint only to discover, low and behold, I was *gasp* wrong.  There are also ways of doing things I've sworn I'd never in a million years do and, what-do-ya-know, I went ahead and did.

Here are 5 fantastic examples of things I said in the past and how I've changed my mind:

1

 

 

What I said then ~ "I'll never homeschool!"

 

What I'm saying now ~ "Hmm, I think I'm going to homeschool..."

2

 

 

What I said then ~ "I won't do a homebirth."

 

What I say now ~ "Yeah, I had my youngest in my living room... on purpose."

3

 

 

What I said then ~ "Those people protesting the Iraq war are deluded."

 

What I say now ~ "Get the U.S. military out of all foreign countries!"

 

 

 

4

 

What I said then ~ "The war on drugs is moral and people who use drugs are criminals."

 

What I say now ~ "The war on drugs is immoral and is creating criminals."


 

5

What I said then ~ "Yep, I've got it all figured out."

What I say now ~ "Wow, there is a lot I still have to learn."

Why has my opinion changed so dramatically in, not only the above areas, but other parts of my life?  Well, basically, it's because I live my life horizontally and not vertically.  You may ask, 'What the dingy does that mean?!"  Let me explain: *ahem*  It's a theory I have which states there are two ways a person can live out their life.  One way of living is the Vertical Life.  The other is the Horizontal Life.

The Vertical Life
...stationary and stubborn...

The Vertical Life is like a tree; it starts out as a seed and grows larger and larger, reaching ever more for the sky, taller and taller and taller.  The Vertical Life changes physically and seems to be getting bigger and bigger but, alas, it never goes anywhere.  It stays rooted in the same spot it started out in, its scope of the world very limited, enveloped in a few familiar surroundings but its knowledge forever hampered by its short view of the universe it exists in.

The Horizontal Life
...who knows what lessons lie ahead for the learning mind...

The Horizontal Life is like a journey; you start it by heading out on a path across the face of the earth.  You are forever moving forward, seeing new things, meeting new people, confronting obstacles and brave ideas.  Every day you're in a new place.  Eventually, your view and opinions have become seasoned by your now very broad scope of the world.  Its caused growth in you.  Its caused original opinions to be formed.  You haven't stayed rooted in the same spot without ever looking outside your comfort zone.  For you, life is a never ending journey and you're moving forward, leaving some baggage and things behind.  You're even changing your mind!  Bravo.

(Interestingly enough, whether you live a Vertical or Horizontal Life has nothing to do with you're actual physical movement.  It's your knowledge, mind, and spirit who need to decide this.  For example, a well-traveled person can, nonetheless, be living a very Vertical Life.)

In closing, I actually have a reason for sharing my five "before and after" thoughts (though some of them make me cringe when I remember how I've had to eat my words).  No, the reason was not to spark any debates or fan a fire of disagreement with people who think one way or the other.  Trust me, it doesn't feel awesome to expose how wrong I've been or how wrong you may think I am now. 

I actually have two valid points to make.

Be quite and listen to others; sometimes that's just as important as stating what you think.

First of all, be humble.  No matter how right you are, you may not be as right as you'd like to believe.  Of course, we all do what we do because we think we're right.  Duh.  But just remember, unsolicited advice is criticism.  It's totally awesome to share what you are doing in your life or how you've experienced something, positive or negative.  Telling your story is always okay and needs to be done.  But never expect others to be just like you or to do things your way.  No other human being is going to think exactly like you.  It's prideful to expect this in others.  Be humble, please.

Meet the person who has never been wrong in his entire life!
Congratulations!  Just what is your secret?

Second of all, if you've never changed your mind on anything, then that means you truly believe you've been 100% right in every area of your life since forever.  Wow.  If you're this person, I'm earnestly scared for you.  Don't be a toddler in an adult's body who refuses to grow, change, or adapt.  You're setting yourself up to live in a very small world with very small people.  Get outside your comfort zone and see the world from the eyes of a stranger! 

It's never to late to uproot yourself and take the first step of a Horizontal Life.

What way are you going to live?

(hand over mouth) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/viviannguyen/6343768579/">viviandnguyen_</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

(school work pic) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/goodncrazy/13706574073/">GoodNCrazy</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">cc</a>

(Home birth) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/eyeliam/7167882941/">Jason Lander</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">cc</a>

(peace sign) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/nohodamon/2336710068/">NoHoDamon</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

(drug photo) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/alittlefishy/475317883/">alittlefishy</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/">cc</a>

(red lipstick lady) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/light_seeker/7131963529/">Viewminder</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

(tree) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/mladjenovic_n/3480169658/">Nebojsa Mladjenovic</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

(path) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/robbn1/3405147407/">Robb North</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">cc</a>

(listen) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/highersights/6314325249/">highersights</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/">cc</a>

(head in sand) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/12023825@N04/2898021822/">tropical.pete</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/">cc</a>

(this way that way) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/lori_greig/5331407245/">Lori Greig</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>