10 Permissions I Give My Adult Self

As I steadfastly march arm in arm with Father Time through my thirties, I'm starting to get some life in my rear view mirror.  And yet, the road ahead still stretches far into the horizon. There are things I've learned, things I've yet to learn, and some things I never should have forgotten.

I take a pause on this brisk jaunt called life, a pit stop if you will, to reflect, giving myself an honest analysis.  As I do, I realize there are 10 things I (and many others like me) need to allow my grown-up self to do in the midst of busy "adulting". 

~~~

1. I give myself permission to be completely honest

"An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips."
Proverbs 24:26

I come from a politically-charged family; every word could have a double meaning and the name of the game is to gather allies through passive aggressive manipulation.  Predictably, this type of lifestyle and environment can be incredibly stressful.

So, I give myself the freedom of honesty!  I will not use reverse psychology to manipulate others into doing what I want!  I will not employ carefully constructing sentences to change the story in my favor!  I will not keep secrets in order to make myself more powerful!  This will not be the way I live.  My earnest opinions will be spoken and my feelings will be shared.  Deception is a chain I refuse to bear.

Now, let's clarify something: When I say "honest" I don't mean I'm giving myself permission to be tactless, rude, and arrogantly loud.  Honesty can be a beautiful, freeing thing but only if the speaker has genuine humility in their opinions and compassion for the feelings of others.  And, honestly, if you are an arrogant, insensitive person then there is no need for you to give yourself permission to be honest; you're already plowing your way through life hiding your blatantly rude behavior as "honesty".  

Having a heart that is full of authentic consideration for other human beings.  That's when honesty is truly the best policy.  

~~~

2. I give myself permission to restart the art of dreaming

Not to get too cliche, but *ahem* REACH FOR THE STARS!

The internet is practically bursting with inspirational memes which are smeared over abstract photography, encouraging all souls to "follow their dreams", "keep dreaming", "not give up", etc etc etc.

Now, when we're in our early twenties, we're pumped about our dreams.  We're gonna do stuff!  Brilliant stuff!  Other people may not get to where they want to be but not us by thunder!  

Then life happens; not necessarily bad things but just life.  Time marches on at a steady pace and we began to walk to the beat, adding a responsibility here, an obligation there...  Pretty soon you develop a routine of survival.  Dreams become less outlandish and comfort becomes the new dream.  Things become stable, fall into place, and we adjust our compasses accordingly.

Now, this doesn't apply to all souls out there, but the majority of us, eventually, begin to focus simply on realist, practical goals that easily fall into step with what we're currently doing.  

The truly wild dreams dim and then flicker off without notice...

So, as much as we may despise the inspiration memes clogging up our online experience, we need to rediscover the art of passionate dreaming.  Will these dreams be different than what we thought we wanted when we were younger?  You betcha!  Will they be any less wild and spectacular?  Absolutely not!

I give myself permission to dream big and dream fearlessly!  Which brings me to #3...

~~~

3. I give myself permission to fail miserably without apology

Look at the future and be unabashedly fearless!

My fear of failure stems from an entirely selfish thought process -- see, I don't fear failure because I don't want to let myself or those who care about me down; oh no, I fear failure because I don't want to give the people who despise me anything to gloat about.

K, I know I need to truly fill my life with more positive people but, in the meantime, there it is in all it's glory -- the reason I fear failure.  

But guess what?  If I never fail at anything it probably means I didn't start anything.  And you know what else?  Living a life in which nothing was ever started is worse than being the biggest failure in the world!

So yes, I give myself permission to fail.  I also give myself permission to feel so unashamed of my failures that I don't need to offer up explanations to my curious critics.  I failed at something.  End of story.  Say what you will but this event is a-rollin' off my back and I'm moving forward!  

~~~

4. I give myself permission to not wait for others

Allow yourself to walk away.

Whether waiting for an apology before forgiveness is extended or waiting for approval before venturing into something new, no one should have their entire future held hostage by the whims of others.

Basically, life's short.  We can love and care for other people without pushing pause on our entire journey simply for their sake.  Time never stops moving forward and if it means you must move forward independently, then do so.  If you hold out for others to make a decision, you may be holding out forever.  Are you prepared for a limbo of forever?  If you pause your own personal growth to wait on someone behaving in a certain way, are you prepared to stunt your personal growth forever?

Some people bask in the secure comfort that others are always going to wait around on them.  These people begin to believe that the person waiting on them truly doesn't have an existence or life apart from them.  By continuing to be held hostage by perpetually waiting on another person's fancies and whims, you lose a part of yourself and forever decimate your independence.  

You were made with a purpose all your own!  You are not merely an extension of someone else.  Love yourself and move forward.  Give yourself permission to wait no longer!

~~~

5. I give myself permission to appear ugly, poor, and/or an emotional wreck

When you let go of the restraints of image,
you embrace a new reality full of liberation.

All to often, people (especially women) define themselves by how attractive they appear to others.  

Or maybe they buy nice things and big, updated houses in the hopes of impressing on others that they are economically superior to a "lower class" of individuals.

And I'll bet all of us have given the "fine" answer when things most certainly are not fine.

At what point do we no longer have to fake it?  At what point are we simply pretty enough, rich enough, and tough enough?  Maybe that point is now and the time for pretending is over...

So I give myself permission to leave my house and look as ugly as I want without makeup or nice clothes.  I give myself permission to have shabby, old stuff and not care what others might speculate my yearly net worth to be.  I give myself permission to be honest (see #1) about how I feel in public, whether or not it makes someone feel awkward. 

 Life's to short to live behind a facade!  Be who you are without worrying about the judgment of others.     

~~~

6. I give myself permission to care so much about people around me that, at some point, I will feel hurt

There is nothing positive about a heart caged behind a wall.

Living behind a wall is a pretty lonely place to be.  Behind my wall I'm safe from being hurt but I'm also not impacting the world in any positive way.  I'm not allowing myself to be loved nor am I truly giving my love to others.

So I give myself permission to get hurt.  It will happen and I accept this risk knowing that a life of isolation is a pale version of what life is supposed to be.  Blocking others out because of fear of potential pain is inherently selfish; when I do this I'm keeping all my gifts, all my affections, and all my resources to myself.    

This life was meant to be shared with others and I don't mean just a sparse scattering of a few select people.  No, it was meant to be shared with a wide array of souls gathering together who want to be loved and are willing to give love.

~~~

7. I give myself permission to cry

Even sadness has a place.

How often are tears blinked back?  How many times does one grit his teeth and muscle through the issue?

How many tears have I needed to shed and chose instead to suppress the urge?

Hereafter, I lovingly give myself permission to break down.  Someone who cries when tears are needed is a strong person.  Someone who isn't afraid of giving the appearance of vulnerability is a liberated human being.

~~~

8. I give myself permission to be still

"...Be still, and know that I am God..."
Psalm 46:10b

Gadgets, noise, chaos, voices.  Constant streaming.  Never ending background din.  Busy busy busy.  Go go go.  On the move.  Produce, produce produce.

When was the last time we sat in silence without accomplishing anything but stillness?  When was the last time we were by ourselves without seeking some form of screen entertainment?  When was the last time the only noise surrounding us was organic and not artificial?

I give myself permission to sometimes sit still and do simply nothing.  I choose to allow my awake brain to rest from the chaos and diversions that are distracting me from what actually matters.

~~~

9. I give myself permission to be passionate about my beliefs

The sincerity of your beliefs is put to the test
by just how much they impact your life.

It's very en vogue to be searching for meaning, purpose, and what you believe in.  Searching is seen as a positive thing.

But what's not as popular is declaring you've found truth; saying I'm looking for God is acceptable but saying I've found God and the way to Him, well, that's when conversations can get awkward.

Despite this (or maybe because of it), I hereby give myself permission to be passionate about what I believe in the face of criticism.  I will embrace openly and wholeheartedly what I have come to realize as the truth.  After all, if I'm throwing a wet blanket over my values and faith, do I actually believe what I say?

If you believe you've discovered the truth, speak boldly so others can hear it.  If it's the truth, it would be selfish to hoard it to yourself.

Permission to be passionate!

~~~

10. I give myself permission to never stop trying new things

You're never to old for an adventure!

Childhood is seen as a time of exploration and wonder.  It is during this time that we are educated, we try new hobbies, and we are constantly being faced with opportunities to try something we've never done before (and, most of the time, we rise to the occasion.)

Why does that have to end?  Why not learn to play the saxophone at age 60 or take up samba dancing at age 40?  Why not ask the local kid cruising by your house for a try on his skateboard?  Why not step outside your comfort zone and learn a new language?  Odds are you have all the opportunities to learn endlessly within your grasp so, I ask again, why the heck not?

I give myself and the rest of the world permission-- stop! No, I give us obligation to always be learning and discovering marvelous things about the universe around us.  

An idle mind is a wasted mind.

~~~

The End

(drinking coffee with friend)
photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/39626816@N02/26089220904"></a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">(license)</a>

(woman jumping)
photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/54250072@N06/27160729695">****</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/">(license)</a>

(portrait of woman, black and white)
photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/15426517@N07/26086635262">Cycle</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/">(license)</a>

(woman in tunnel)
photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/92894934@N08/23774028929">民權隧道</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/">(license)</a>

(woman overlooking water)
photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/7997148@N05/20737142185">.</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">(license)</a>

(portrait with wall)
photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/48169838@N05/24210547686">1/52 } Wall</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">(license)</a>

(girl sitting alone)
photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/143363029@N03/27252870565">HD Crying Sad Girl Image</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">(license)</a>

(woman with eyes closed)
photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/99576374@N02/27836340210">Michael Porter-7</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">(license)</a>

(man at concert)
photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/38991571@N00/28295834543">Kingdom Come</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">(license)</a>

(woman with helmet)
photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/110774194@N02/28077032812">Motorcycle gramma</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">(license)</a>

6 Things You Should Know About The "Allergy Mom"

I live in America, a land of ridiculous bounty.  And when you live in a country that's been so incredibly blessed, you start to get used to enjoying the good things life has to offer.  One of the most basic "good things" of the human experience is food and, we Americans, we love us some good food.

All you have to do to realize how much food is adored by my culture is flip on the television and there you will see food paraded across the screen like a porn star: the lighting warm; the announcer's voice soft and oozing; the camera zoomed up close so you can see every cheesy drip during the thirty second commercial.

Or examine the best loved customs for all major American holidays and events.  What do people look forward to?  The good cooking.  What do people gather around?  The food.  We don't just enjoy food for nourishment; we depend on it for social situations and, right or wrong, for comfort.

Enter the "allergy mom," a woman like me; the mom whose child has a highly sensitive, deadly food allergy.  Now, I want to start off by saying, the majority of allergy moms I talk to (myself included) know that there are far, far worse conditions to suffer through as a parent.  Diabetes, cancer, etc, (you name it.)  There are millions of parents around the world that would change places with an allergy mom in a heartbeat.  I acknowledge that.  However, I think because of this most allergy moms don't speak out about how lonely this journey can be.

So, in order to gently raise awareness, I wanted to list a few things you need to know about moms of children who suffer from deadly food allergies.

#1

She's terrified.

What do you mean it might or might not have peanuts in it?!

Not all allergy moms find out the hard way that completely normal foods are poisonous to their offspring.  However, a lot of them do and that experience can scar you.  Holding your child in your arms and watching them as they almost die from something that is totally preventable leaves a mark.

From that moment forward, the allergy mom has two options; either she can expect (unrealistically) the entire world to change to her new "norm" or she can change how she does parenting.  What was normal is not anymore.  Oftentimes the family's fun and social customs have to change, much to the bafflement of those around them.

Ignorance no longer equals bliss.  Ignorance equals death.  An allergy mom is constantly watching, constantly reminding, constantly researching every single situation the kid is involved in because, if she doesn't do her due diligence, something as minor as (for example) peanut protein on an adult's hands can hurt her child.

It seems insane.  It seems paranoid.  It seems crazy.  And often times the allergy mom feels like it is.  But even if it seems this way, it doesn't change the reality of how dangerous food allergies can be nor how easily a child can come in contact with these potentially lethal foods.

#2

She knows you're ignorant.

Hmm, yes, tell me more about how
you "get" what I'm talking about...

Okay, hold your horses for a second.  She DOES NOT think you're stupid but she knows you're ignorant.  Quite frankly, ya don't know what ya don't know.  So, just how is she sure you are not as aware of these medical conditions as you think?  Because, more than likely, she was once just like you.  Unless she grew up with an allergy or personally knew someone who suffered from one, she had a period in her life where she joyfully skipped through a world of seafood and Texas Roadhouse.

So, if you say you totally get the allergy thing and then are offended when she starts to ask questions (trying to figure out how you know oh so much), understand she's just trying to figure out if you can actually cash the check your mouth just wrote.

#3

This isn't a lifestyle choice

Dude, eating shellfish is MURDER
so I just decided my kid was allergic to it. :)

No mom enjoys her kid ill.  No mom enjoys her kid having to miss out on fun outings or activities.  No mom likes her kid being singled out as "different."  No mom enjoys living in fear of her kid being poisoned.

And yet, you'd be surprised how many people treat allergy moms like they enjoy their kids medical condition; as if they were some disgusting attention hounds just wanting to draw focus to themselves.

I do hope hives are involved! BWHAHAHAHA!

Imagine planning a group function and someone announces that they are vegan so they can't eat meat and everyone needs to be aware of this fact.  Picture the reaction of some.  Do you see a lot of eye rolling?  Some balking?  Maybe, if a more aggressive non-vegan person is present, a debate over vegans in general to make everyone extra, extra uncomfortable.  Why?  Well, perhaps the other people in the group disagree with the vegan's lifestyle choice or, more likely, they feel the non-meaters are simply being high maintenance.

Okay, now here's the weird part: As an allergy mom, I've faced the exact same reactions illustrated above when I say that we have a nut allergy in the family so could we please keep that in mind.  Eye rolling?  Yes.  Balking with annoyance?  Yep.  Arguing the validity of my assertion?  You betcha.

I hate that my kid has this allergy but I've come to terms with it.  Every single allergy mom I know doesn't enjoy reading the lengthy labels of everything she puts in the shopping cart, nagging every server at every restaurant, not being able to take her kid to the ice cream shop because dessert places are riddled with peanuts, etc.  This isn't something we sign up for.  It's not for kicks.  And, truthfully, most of us don't even pray our kids test out on their allergies because to hope for something that seems so impossible would open us up for heartache we aren't ready to meet.  So we deal.  We adjust.  We move on.  We sigh.  We forgive.

#4

She doesn't want to be invited to your potluck.

You see a delicious spread of food.
Meanwhile allergy mom hears the Scream theme playing in her head.

If she turns down your invitations, don't feel snubbed.  It probably just means that, on that particular day, she's not up to playing the role of food sentinel.

Imagine if you had a six-year-old and one of your friends skipped up and stated with enthusiasm, "Great news!  I've bought tickets for your whole family to come skydiving with us next Tuesday!"

"What?!"  You say.  "Um, I think I'll have to pass..."

They persist.  "Come on!  It's totally safe; I checked with the company and they are safe!  I even checked out everyone's parachute!  It'll be great.  Yeah, I mean, you could recheck your kid's parachute if you want but, ya know, I already did.  I mean, you trust me right?"

Okay, this is an extreme example but a normal person would expect you to either say "no" or, if you did end up going, to double check your kid's gear.  Would your friend be insulted that you turned down the invitation to throw your child out of a plane?  What if you went but double checked your kid's gear?  Would it be offensive?

The answer, if you're a reasonable and sane adult, is no.  Of course it's not offensive!

When you get offended because an allergy mom won't accept your dinner invitation or because she has the audacity to question your ingredients at the potluck, you need to understand that, by feeding her child or by feeding those who come in contact with her child, you are putting that kid's life in your hands for a condition you know very little about.  She is totally in her rights to not want to come or to recheck everything when she's there.  Deal with it.

Truthfully, it's not fun for her; you can't mingle when you're on constant patrol.

#5

She's had her share of completely idiotic things said to her.

Say what?!

People have not been nice to her about this.  I know it's a weird thing to be nasty about but, sadly, I know it to be true.

Many of the comments are made in just pure ignorance and those she doesn't mind though, be aware, she laughs about them with her husband later on.  Things like, "Won't being exposed over and over again to X make the allergies go away?"  Or, "Oh, shell fish allergy?  Like being lactose intolerant right?"

Some are mean.  Like implying that she inadvertently caused her baby's allergy.  ("You do know not to feed them peanut butter till after a year right?")  Yeah, thanks for that.  She did know.  Making her feel like crap doesn't change the current situation...

Or how 'bout this: Not calling her child by their name but instead saying "the allergy kid" from "the allergy family."  Yeah, that's classy.  Do you call kids with down syndrome the "down syndrome kid" or kids with glasses "four eyes." Don't do this.  You suck if you do this.

(All true stories of what I know adults have said to allergy moms.)

#6

It's all worth it.

Is dealing with a deadly allergy fun?  No.  But you know what's awesome?  Getting to be a mom.  It's all worth it.  Every worry.  Every fret.  Every scare.  Having the privilege of holding our precious babes in our arms, knowing we've been entrusted with them for a short time, knowing we're honored to raise them into the adults God made them to be makes all the extra work seem like nothing.

If I had to line up all the kids in the world and was told I could I pick out any two I liked, I still would have picked my girls every. single. time.  No sickness, no issue, no heartache or fear could ever cause me to choose differently.

~~~

Yes, I have written extensively on my experience as an "allergy mom" because I want to help people understand what this journey can be like.  I can't speak for all moms on this issue and, truthfully, I have generalized a bit but I know much of what I've penned will resonate with many moms who walk this path.

In closing, it's important the reader realize one thing about my allergy mom sisters and myself -- this isn't an odd burden we awkwardly carry around; this is our life, our normal, and we are well conditioned to dealing with it.

Show us, and all people you meet who are living with something you may never need to understand, humility and compassion.

Photo Credit:

Girl Eating
photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/10506540@N07/27396019201">White Hall Beach Family Trip May 30, 2016 16</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">(license)</a>

Stressed woman
photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/59644334@N08/7911072370">Panic!  GDMF!</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">(license)</a>

Woman with pen
photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/27586438@N04/25813730252">Eline</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/">(license)</a>

Cool hippy chick
photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/61466423@N02/20782548648">X14_4541</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">(license)</a>

Witch Comic
photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/11279883@N00/22357794315">A delightfully gruesome reaction!</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">(license)</a>

Potluck
photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/35342991@N05/24912206353">In anticipation of #Thanksgiving, the #NYC...</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">(license)</a>

Two women sitting
photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/39685874@N00/3871431140">really?</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">(license)</a>

Mother and son
photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/23122254@N07/10529595673">Oh Yeah!</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">(license)</a>

America, To You I Don't Belong

"One nation under God."

"From sea to shining sea."

"In God we trust."

"Sweet land of liberty."

I know the songs.  I know the words,

all woven into my heart.

I've been fed the milk of patriotism

from a very early start.

I feel the thump of my heart

as I salute our flag.

But as the years gather behind me

questions start to nag.

"Patriotism is morality."

"In your country take great pride."

"Swear allegiance to your flag."

"God is on our side."

God is on our side? 

America is His team?

We plant our flag at the front of His church,

"I claim this" we seem to scream.

One nation under God 

is not an exclusive right.

They're ALL under God

every day and every night.

The title of "American"

is a badge we wear with show.

"It's what makes us who we are!

Who we are from head to toe!"

So why am I in turmoil 

when asked to join the ranks

of worshippers of our country

who to their heritage give great thanks?

My heart is heavy and torn

because to my country I haven't been true.

I can't pledge loyalty to my country

because I've sworn it to a crucified Jew.

He bled and died for me.

He fought to bring me life.

And I've happily given my soul

and am part of the church, His beautiful wife.

So you see the title of "Christian"

is all that's left of me.

My nationality is in heaven.

It's GOD who has set me free.

On the day I joined His ranks

He could have brought me home.

He could have ended mortality there

and said, "No more need you roam."

But He didn't.  He left me here.

For a purpose oh so grand!

I am to serve and further His kingdom.

(Not protect the interests of my motherland.)

So while this country I still love

and enjoy the blessings it has been given,

dear God, let my work on earth

be not for it's glory that I have striven.

If I die, let it be for you God!

Not for red, white, and blue.

Let my worship not be at a striped banner

but sang from my church pew!

Is nationalism holy?

No.  No, I think it not.

History has proved it a trap

into which the church is often caught.

So, though it seem sacrilegious

to say America is NOT holy,

though it might be offensive to all,

and they might say I don't understand fully,

I'll still say out loud

and declare the truth from my heart,

"My whole being belongs to God!

The whole thing!  Not just a part!"

It matters not whether I am 

Chinese, Dutch, or Iranian.

Whether I hail from Mexico

or call myself French Canadian.

Remember, oh American Christian,

your brothers are spread far and wide,

Your family stretches throughout the globe,

even across borders, the "other side."

Your duty is to your mission --

to show the world God's love.

Let the world see where you truly belong

that your citizenship is from above.

Don't fear being a stranger to the world.

Who cares if you're an oddity to your neighbor?

You belong to something more

and for a Higher Power do you labor.

So put not too much stock 

into your Nationality.

Don't hold too tightly to your flag

or bow down to Lady Liberty.

If God turned against America

on His side may you stand.

It's arrogance to believe

that our nation is His holy right hand.

photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/56693919@N02/17131117977">Jasper Johns' "The Flag" revisited.</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/">(license)</a>