I live in America, a land of ridiculous bounty. And when you live in a country that's been so incredibly blessed, you start to get used to enjoying the good things life has to offer. One of the most basic "good things" of the human experience is food and, we Americans, we love us some good food.
All you have to do to realize how much food is adored by my culture is flip on the television and there you will see food paraded across the screen like a porn star: the lighting warm; the announcer's voice soft and oozing; the camera zoomed up close so you can see every cheesy drip during the thirty second commercial.
Or examine the best loved customs for all major American holidays and events. What do people look forward to? The good cooking. What do people gather around? The food. We don't just enjoy food for nourishment; we depend on it for social situations and, right or wrong, for comfort.
Enter the "allergy mom," a woman like me; the mom whose child has a highly sensitive, deadly food allergy. Now, I want to start off by saying, the majority of allergy moms I talk to (myself included) know that there are far, far worse conditions to suffer through as a parent. Diabetes, cancer, etc, (you name it.) There are millions of parents around the world that would change places with an allergy mom in a heartbeat. I acknowledge that. However, I think because of this most allergy moms don't speak out about how lonely this journey can be.
So, in order to gently raise awareness, I wanted to list a few things you need to know about moms of children who suffer from deadly food allergies.
#1
She's terrified.
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| What do you mean it might or might not have peanuts in it?! |
Not all allergy moms find out the hard way that completely normal foods are poisonous to their offspring. However, a lot of them do and that experience can scar you. Holding your child in your arms and watching them as they almost die from something that is totally preventable leaves a mark.
From that moment forward, the allergy mom has two options; either she can expect (unrealistically) the entire world to change to her new "norm" or she can change how she does parenting. What was normal is not anymore. Oftentimes the family's fun and social customs have to change, much to the bafflement of those around them.
Ignorance no longer equals bliss. Ignorance equals death. An allergy mom is constantly watching, constantly reminding, constantly researching every single situation the kid is involved in because, if she doesn't do her due diligence, something as minor as (for example) peanut protein on an adult's hands can hurt her child.
It seems insane. It seems paranoid. It seems crazy. And often times the allergy mom feels like it is. But even if it seems this way, it doesn't change the reality of how dangerous food allergies can be nor how easily a child can come in contact with these potentially lethal foods.
#2
She knows you're ignorant.
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| Hmm, yes, tell me more about how you "get" what I'm talking about... |
Okay, hold your horses for a second. She DOES NOT think you're stupid but she knows you're ignorant. Quite frankly, ya don't know what ya don't know. So, just how is she sure you are not as aware of these medical conditions as you think? Because, more than likely, she was once just like you. Unless she grew up with an allergy or personally knew someone who suffered from one, she had a period in her life where she joyfully skipped through a world of seafood and Texas Roadhouse.
So, if you say you totally get the allergy thing and then are offended when she starts to ask questions (trying to figure out how you know oh so much), understand she's just trying to figure out if you can actually cash the check your mouth just wrote.
#3
This isn't a lifestyle choice
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| Dude, eating shellfish is MURDER so I just decided my kid was allergic to it. :) |
No mom enjoys her kid ill. No mom enjoys her kid having to miss out on fun outings or activities. No mom likes her kid being singled out as "different." No mom enjoys living in fear of her kid being poisoned.
And yet, you'd be surprised how many people treat allergy moms like they enjoy their kids medical condition; as if they were some disgusting attention hounds just wanting to draw focus to themselves.
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| I do hope hives are involved! BWHAHAHAHA! |
Imagine planning a group function and someone announces that they are vegan so they can't eat meat and everyone needs to be aware of this fact. Picture the reaction of some. Do you see a lot of eye rolling? Some balking? Maybe, if a more aggressive non-vegan person is present, a debate over vegans in general to make everyone extra, extra uncomfortable. Why? Well, perhaps the other people in the group disagree with the vegan's lifestyle choice or, more likely, they feel the non-meaters are simply being high maintenance.
Okay, now here's the weird part: As an allergy mom, I've faced the exact same reactions illustrated above when I say that we have a nut allergy in the family so could we please keep that in mind. Eye rolling? Yes. Balking with annoyance? Yep. Arguing the validity of my assertion? You betcha.
I hate that my kid has this allergy but I've come to terms with it. Every single allergy mom I know doesn't enjoy reading the lengthy labels of everything she puts in the shopping cart, nagging every server at every restaurant, not being able to take her kid to the ice cream shop because dessert places are riddled with peanuts, etc. This isn't something we sign up for. It's not for kicks. And, truthfully, most of us don't even pray our kids test out on their allergies because to hope for something that seems so impossible would open us up for heartache we aren't ready to meet. So we deal. We adjust. We move on. We sigh. We forgive.
#4
She doesn't want to be invited to your potluck.
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| You see a delicious spread of food. Meanwhile allergy mom hears the Scream theme playing in her head. |
If she turns down your invitations, don't feel snubbed. It probably just means that, on that particular day, she's not up to playing the role of food sentinel.
Imagine if you had a six-year-old and one of your friends skipped up and stated with enthusiasm, "Great news! I've bought tickets for your whole family to come skydiving with us next Tuesday!"
"What?!" You say. "Um, I think I'll have to pass..."
They persist. "Come on! It's totally safe; I checked with the company and they are safe! I even checked out everyone's parachute! It'll be great. Yeah, I mean, you could recheck your kid's parachute if you want but, ya know, I already did. I mean, you trust me right?"
Okay, this is an extreme example but a normal person would expect you to either say "no" or, if you did end up going, to double check your kid's gear. Would your friend be insulted that you turned down the invitation to throw your child out of a plane? What if you went but double checked your kid's gear? Would it be offensive?
The answer, if you're a reasonable and sane adult, is no. Of course it's not offensive!
When you get offended because an allergy mom won't accept your dinner invitation or because she has the audacity to question your ingredients at the potluck, you need to understand that, by feeding her child or by feeding those who come in contact with her child, you are putting that kid's life in your hands for a condition you know very little about. She is totally in her rights to not want to come or to recheck everything when she's there. Deal with it.
Truthfully, it's not fun for her; you can't mingle when you're on constant patrol.
#5
She's had her share of completely idiotic things said to her.
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| Say what?! |
People have not been nice to her about this. I know it's a weird thing to be nasty about but, sadly, I know it to be true.
Many of the comments are made in just pure ignorance and those she doesn't mind though, be aware, she laughs about them with her husband later on. Things like, "Won't being exposed over and over again to X make the allergies go away?" Or, "Oh, shell fish allergy? Like being lactose intolerant right?"
Some are mean. Like implying that she inadvertently caused her baby's allergy. ("You do know not to feed them peanut butter till after a year right?") Yeah, thanks for that. She did know. Making her feel like crap doesn't change the current situation...
Or how 'bout this: Not calling her child by their name but instead saying "the allergy kid" from "the allergy family." Yeah, that's classy. Do you call kids with down syndrome the "down syndrome kid" or kids with glasses "four eyes." Don't do this. You suck if you do this.
(All true stories of what I know adults have said to allergy moms.)
#6
It's all worth it.
Is dealing with a deadly allergy fun? No. But you know what's awesome? Getting to be a mom. It's all worth it. Every worry. Every fret. Every scare. Having the privilege of holding our precious babes in our arms, knowing we've been entrusted with them for a short time, knowing we're honored to raise them into the adults God made them to be makes all the extra work seem like nothing.
If I had to line up all the kids in the world and was told I could I pick out any two I liked, I still would have picked my girls every. single. time. No sickness, no issue, no heartache or fear could ever cause me to choose differently.
~~~
Yes, I have written extensively on my experience as an "allergy mom" because I want to help people understand what this journey can be like. I can't speak for all moms on this issue and, truthfully, I have generalized a bit but I know much of what I've penned will resonate with many moms who walk this path.
In closing, it's important the reader realize one thing about my allergy mom sisters and myself -- this isn't an odd burden we awkwardly carry around; this is our life, our normal, and we are well conditioned to dealing with it.
Show us, and all people you meet who are living with something you may never need to understand, humility and compassion.
Photo Credit:
Girl Eating
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Stressed woman
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Woman with pen
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Cool hippy chick
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Witch Comic
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Potluck
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Two women sitting
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Mother and son
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