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| I cannot even count the dozens and dozens of these I went through before I saw this result! |
I struggled with infertility for years; six combined with our two girls. It was one of the hardest, most unique, long-term battles I've ever fought. However, it was also an experience that taught me the most about myself.
Many people don't know what to say or do when someone they know is going through this trial. Often times feelings are hurt, not because someone was intentionally cruel but simply because they were naive as to how infertility feels and works.
I've comprised a list things you should know about women and couples who deal with infertility. (Keep in mind, all our stories are different and not every one of these rules will apply to all women; they are just rule of thumb.)
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1. This is a private battle.
Your friend who can't seem to get pregnant may not want to talk about it and, if she does, she may not want you blabbering about it to other people.
~~~
2. Don't ask a woman when she's going to have kids.
 |
| "So, when are you and Jerry going to have kids? I mean, you're not getting any younger... " |
You may not know the whole story.
(2b. Don't ask a couple if they are going to have more kids. We've all done this. However, more and more often, I'm meeting couples who may have had kids and are unable to get pregnant again.)
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3. Don't offer suggestions on how to get pregnant.
Your friend has google. Trust me; she's tracking her ovulation days like a pirate counting down steps to buried treasure, has become proficient in handstands (don't ask), and knows the local acupuncturist by first name. Whatever awesome nugget of information you have to share has been tried.
~~~
4. For the love of all that is good, don't say the classic
"Just relax and don't want it so badly. Then it will happen."
"Just relax and don't want it so badly. Then it will happen."
While there might be a shred of truth to this, how is she supposed to do that? Wanting a child is not a light switch. You can't announce to your uterus, "Ignore my heart; I don't want children! *wink wink* "
~~~
5. Never ever ever EVER suggest her inability to get pregnant
is somehow her fault because of something she did.
is somehow her fault because of something she did.
"Oh, you had that done? Well, no wonder." "You were on birth control! Well, that's why." Is this really necessary? Some things are the way they are and making her feel as if she's to blame is only going to make her cry and cause her husband to HATE you.
~~~
6. Don't feel like you can't enjoy the fact that you and your spouse
got pregnant on accident or, after trying for a month,
BAM!, new baby on the way.
6. Don't feel like you can't enjoy the fact that you and your spouse
got pregnant on accident or, after trying for a month,
BAM!, new baby on the way.
Celebrate, post on FaceBook, this is a big moment for you! I'm not going to lie and say that your friend who can't have a child won't feel a pull at her heart watching babies be born everywhere, but that's her struggle, not yours. She's not a jerk; she's happy for you and wants you to be happy even if it is a reminder of something she's working through. Invite her to baby showers. Don't leave her out of your celebration. Trust me, she knows what a blessing you've been given.
~~~
7. Please don't exclude her from groups because she doesn't have children.
Being a childless couple can sometimes be awkward; you're not in the single scene but you can't get to the minivan stage.
~~~
8. If the couple who've struggled with infertility for years gets pregnant,
don't pester them about what sex they want
or state that all that matters is a healthy baby.
 |
| Boy? Girl? Who cares!!!! It's FINALLY happening!!! |
True story -- by the time my hubby and I got pregnant, we did not care what gender we got. Finally! A baby!
And what's with the healthy comments? Yes, we want our children healthy but we'd waited for so long having a special needs child or some unforeseen struggle would have been totally do-able. They would have been a precious life we'd prayed for for so long. A living child, that's what we wanted.
Also, if that newly pregnant couple makes a BIG deal about every prego milestone, anticipating and planning for labor like it's a bigger deal than their wedding, it's because they've waited their whole life for that moment (which is true of almost every childbirth whether realized or not.)
Also, if that newly pregnant couple makes a BIG deal about every prego milestone, anticipating and planning for labor like it's a bigger deal than their wedding, it's because they've waited their whole life for that moment (which is true of almost every childbirth whether realized or not.)
~~~
9. Last of all, infertility is a unique ache.
 |
| Even though I live in a liberated, modern society, not being able to have a baby was devastating emotionally. Wrong or right, I felt broken and it was something I had to grapple with and eventually heal from (but that's for a different blog...). |
Unless you've gone through it, you probably don't know exactly how it feels. Even if you have, you still put your foot in your mouth plenty of times when trying to give encouragement to others...
The End
(pregnancy test) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/geishabot/4441250565/">ninacoco</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">cc</a>
(alone on beach) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/shandilee/5587813144/">Shandi-lee</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>
(girls in park) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/chrisjl/4627622009/">Chris JL</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>
(1930s Make Love book) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/crash-candy/2346982766/">CRASH:candy</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">cc</a>
(Calm) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/thomashawk/324181948/">Thomas Hawk</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">cc</a>
(black and white portrait) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/carolinatarre/3907259843/">Carolina Tarre</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">cc</a>
(fortune cookie) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/67274304@N07/6134034797/">kissedbysunshine</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">cc</a>
(mom's with strollers) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/63854529@N00/422441141/">skeddy in NYC</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">cc</a>
(pregnant on beach) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/brennaphotos/3419870216/">brennaval</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>
(woman on bed) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/paix_et_amour/3834975926/">.Andi.</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>
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