Modesty ~ What I Want My Daughters To Know

Let me start off by saying, I'm not a huge modesty advocate.  The sight of another woman's thighs or well-endowed cleavage doesn't disturb me nor does it make me clap my hands for "empowerment".  This is mostly due to the fact that how another person dresses is just really none of my business; honestly I don't have the time or interest to pour into voicing which way another adult should or should not clothe their body.  (Yes, it is a lost art but sometimes minding our own business is, well, liberating.)

Rather than worry about what the women in the rest of the world are doing, I focus on what I am teaching my daughters through my example and my words.  I feel like my effort is better spent examining how me and mine carry ourselves rather than how the rest of the human race is doing it.

I know I'm not getting everything right in parenting (who does?) but I hope I'm able to teach them 4 core things about their bodies and modesty.

1.  My daughter, your body is your future.

You only get one body; love yourself.

It's a scientific fact that in order to live life you need your body, something you only get one of.  Let's go a step further and state you being able to do everything you dream of doing relies on your body working properly and healthily.

Because your future and existence is tied to closely to your body, NEVER let someone use your body for their entertainment. 

Your future is too important to be wasted on some one's quest for a momentary thrill.

2.  My daughter, you are a precious treasure.

All the gems in the world cannot hold a candle to how valuable you, my daughter, are.

I always tell my girls how valuable they are.  They are treasures and priceless to their father and me.

I put it like this ~

"You are a treasure.  You're body is very very valuable, like a rare ruby.  You never leave your rubies, diamonds, and other valuables laying out on the front lawn.  That's where plastic pink flamingos and dollar store garden gnomes are displayed, able to be glanced at by all passing-by, bored motorists.  No, our treasures belong in a secure safe, only brought out on special occasions.  If someone is honored enough to see the most valuable of jewels, it's because we trust them with our entire livelihood.  If you put something on the front yard, it's because it's of little value to you.  Beautiful treasures are kept safe, not because they are shameful but because they are valuable." 

3.  My daughter, you are not responsible for some else's thoughts.



(Never feel guilty or degraded because of what goes on in another person's head.)

I never want my girls to feel any sort of responsibility for the impure thoughts of others, regardless of how they dress.  The guilting of girls over their bodies and their sexuality needs to stop.  Women are beautiful.  I am beautiful.  Guilting a girl over her clothing selection is a dangerous, slippery slope: first, their dress is causing filthy thoughts inside the heads of other people; then, making eye contact and smiling is perceived as shameless flirting; next, well, that girl was asking for it by leading that poor man on.  You see where I'm going with this? 

There were times as a younger woman I was made to feel so dirty by the way a man treated me or thought about me.  Often times, it had nothing to do with how I was dressed because the issue wasn't my fault; it was his.  But any woman who has experienced the embarrassment of harassment knows that society tells us it must be our fault somehow; that we caused, to a certain degree, the unwanted advancement which left us feeling gross and small. 

I really doubt that this is the case, especially since I know dozens and dozens of men who can walk by scantily clad women and not feel uncontrollable sexual urges to pounce upon them.

My girls are not responsible for the thoughts of others and I want them to respect men by holding all males to high standards.  They need to understand that men are not drooling, humping hyenas incapable of thinking for themselves.  They are men, perfectly capable of honor and integrity without the entire female population wearing a burqa.

4.  My daughter, empowerment has nothing to do with clothing.

Both extremes to the modesty question claim their way is the empowering way.

On one side, we have the over-sexed marketing industry, saying the real way to feel empowered is to strip down to your undies (or less), stick that sleek hiney out, and pucker your lips sweetheart!  Empowered women bare all to the world by golly!  Be brave, feel no discomfort!  Nothing is private because you're empowered and want everyone to see you! 

WRONG!

On the other side, we have the knee length skirts and throwback 1940s swimwear.  We're told modesty is beautiful and truly gives women value.  To be truly empowered, we must do everything in our power to ensure other people see our value by how we clothe ourselves.  Empowerment comes from the good reputation of never having our honor impugned by false advertising.  We are empowered because we adhere to a strict set of dressing rules guaranteed to earn us respect from our fellow man, all the while building self-respect in us.

WRONG!

Here's the truth I want my daughter's to know; empowerment has nothing to do with what you're wearing.  Being smart, wise, confident, unafraid, and living up to your full potential are empowering.  Not your bra or neck scarf.  The woman on the Victoria Secret poster is not empowered because she's practically naked.  The traditional Catholic nun is not empowered because she's covered by her habit.

Empowerment comes from within; it's not something you put on or take off.

~~~

These are the four truths I want my children to know for themselves. 

What I don't want them to focus on?  What everyone else is doing.  I don't spend any amount of time worrying about what the woman across the restaurant is wearing and I don't want them to either.  It's an ugly form of judgement when we start criticising others based on their clothing selection.  Labels start to spring to mind; nasty words like ugly, slut, trashy.  Then we start nitpicking -- "Who wears white after labor day?!"  "Why would you mix that skirt with those shoes?"

Facing a world with those attitudes, a rather fitting word does come to mind -- petty. 

The End

 

 

(clothes in window) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/beginasyouare/2739322870/">Mike_tn</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

 

(black and white photo of woman) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/darkroom11/1116687730/">~Coquí</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/">cc</a>

 

(jewels) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/swamibu/1464833296/">Swamibu</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">cc</a>

 

(woman in corner) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/coriehowell/3345576138/">Corie Howell</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

(woman by water ) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/martinaphotography/6932815749/">martinak15</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">cc</a>

(2nd store front) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/tattoodjay/4032741631/">Singing With Light</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

Your Friend's Infertility & What You Should Know

I cannot even count the dozens and dozens of these I went through before I saw this result!

I struggled with infertility for years; six combined with our two girls.  It was one of the hardest, most unique, long-term battles I've ever fought.  However, it was also an experience that taught me the most about myself. 

Many people don't know what to say or do when someone they know is going through this trial.  Often times feelings are hurt, not because someone was intentionally cruel but simply because they were naive as to how infertility feels and works.

I've comprised a list things you should know about women and couples who deal with infertility.  (Keep in mind, all our stories are different and not every one of these rules will apply to all women; they are just rule of thumb.)  

~~~





1. This is a private battle. 

Your friend who can't seem to get pregnant may not want to talk about it and, if she does, she may not want you blabbering about it to other people. 

~~~ 



2. Don't ask a woman when she's going to have kids. 

"So, when are you and Jerry going to have kids?  I mean, you're not getting any younger... "

You may not know the whole story.  

(2b. Don't ask a couple if they are going to have more kids.  We've all done this.  However, more and more often, I'm meeting couples who may have had kids and are unable to get pregnant again.) 

~~~

 3. Don't offer suggestions on how to get pregnant.

Your friend has google. Trust me; she's tracking her ovulation days like a pirate counting down steps to buried treasure, has become proficient in handstands (don't ask), and knows the local acupuncturist by first name. Whatever awesome nugget of information you have to share has been tried. 

~~~

4. For the love of all that is good, don't say the classic
"Just relax and don't want it so badly. Then it will happen."

 

While there might be a shred of truth to this, how is she supposed to do that? Wanting a child is not a light switch. You can't announce to your uterus, "Ignore my heart; I don't want children!  *wink wink* " 

~~~

5. Never ever ever EVER suggest her inability to get pregnant
is somehow her fault because of something she did. 

"Oh, you had that done? Well, no wonder." "You were on birth control! Well, that's why." Is this really necessary? Some things are the way they are and making her feel as if she's to blame is only going to make her cry and cause her husband to HATE you. 

~~~
6. Don't feel like you can't enjoy the fact that you and your spouse
got pregnant on accident or, after trying for a month,
BAM!, new baby on the way. 

 

Celebrate, post on FaceBook, this is a big moment for you! I'm not going to lie and say that your friend who can't have a child won't feel a pull at her heart watching babies be born everywhere, but that's her struggle, not yours. She's not a jerk; she's happy for you and wants you to be happy even if it is a reminder of something she's working through. Invite her to baby showers. Don't leave her out of your celebration. Trust me, she knows what a blessing you've been given.

~~~ 

 7. Please don't exclude her from groups because she doesn't have children. 

Being a childless couple can sometimes be awkward; you're not in the single scene but you can't get to the minivan stage.  

~~~

 8.  If the couple who've struggled with infertility for years gets pregnant,

don't pester them about what sex they want

or state that all that matters is a healthy baby.

Boy?  Girl?  Who cares!!!!  It's FINALLY happening!!!

 True story -- by the time my hubby and I got pregnant, we did not care what gender we got. Finally! A baby! 

And what's with the healthy comments? Yes, we want our children healthy but we'd waited for so long having a special needs child or some unforeseen struggle would have been totally do-able. They would have been a precious life we'd prayed for for so long. A living child, that's what we wanted.

Also, if that newly pregnant couple makes a BIG deal about every prego milestone, anticipating and planning for labor like it's a bigger deal than their wedding, it's because they've waited their whole life for that moment (which is true of almost every childbirth whether realized or not.) 

~~~

9.  Last of all, infertility is a unique ache.

Even though I live in a liberated, modern society,
not being able to have a baby was devastating emotionally.
Wrong or right, I felt broken and it was something I had to grapple with
and eventually heal from (but that's for a different blog...).

 

Unless you've gone through it, you probably don't know exactly how it feels. Even if you have, you still put your foot in your mouth plenty of times when trying to give encouragement to others...

 

The End

(pregnancy test) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/geishabot/4441250565/">ninacoco</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">cc</a>

(alone on beach) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/shandilee/5587813144/">Shandi-lee</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

(girls in park) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/chrisjl/4627622009/">Chris JL</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

(1930s Make Love book) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/crash-candy/2346982766/">CRASH:candy</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">cc</a>

(Calm) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/thomashawk/324181948/">Thomas Hawk</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">cc</a>

 

(black and white portrait) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/carolinatarre/3907259843/">Carolina Tarre</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">cc</a>

(fortune cookie) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/67274304@N07/6134034797/">kissedbysunshine</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">cc</a>

(mom's with strollers) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/63854529@N00/422441141/">skeddy in NYC</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">cc</a>

(pregnant on beach) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/brennaphotos/3419870216/">brennaval</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

(woman on bed) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/paix_et_amour/3834975926/">.Andi.</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

 

5 Things I've Said And Wish I Could Take Back

Did I really say that?

We've all done it; loudly and proudly made statements and declarations only to end up eating our words later in life.  I guess the old adage "never say never" is 100% right!

There are countless things I've loudly touted as a correct viewpoint only to discover, low and behold, I was *gasp* wrong.  There are also ways of doing things I've sworn I'd never in a million years do and, what-do-ya-know, I went ahead and did.

Here are 5 fantastic examples of things I said in the past and how I've changed my mind:

1

 

 

What I said then ~ "I'll never homeschool!"

 

What I'm saying now ~ "Hmm, I think I'm going to homeschool..."

2

 

 

What I said then ~ "I won't do a homebirth."

 

What I say now ~ "Yeah, I had my youngest in my living room... on purpose."

3

 

 

What I said then ~ "Those people protesting the Iraq war are deluded."

 

What I say now ~ "Get the U.S. military out of all foreign countries!"

 

 

 

4

 

What I said then ~ "The war on drugs is moral and people who use drugs are criminals."

 

What I say now ~ "The war on drugs is immoral and is creating criminals."


 

5

What I said then ~ "Yep, I've got it all figured out."

What I say now ~ "Wow, there is a lot I still have to learn."

Why has my opinion changed so dramatically in, not only the above areas, but other parts of my life?  Well, basically, it's because I live my life horizontally and not vertically.  You may ask, 'What the dingy does that mean?!"  Let me explain: *ahem*  It's a theory I have which states there are two ways a person can live out their life.  One way of living is the Vertical Life.  The other is the Horizontal Life.

The Vertical Life
...stationary and stubborn...

The Vertical Life is like a tree; it starts out as a seed and grows larger and larger, reaching ever more for the sky, taller and taller and taller.  The Vertical Life changes physically and seems to be getting bigger and bigger but, alas, it never goes anywhere.  It stays rooted in the same spot it started out in, its scope of the world very limited, enveloped in a few familiar surroundings but its knowledge forever hampered by its short view of the universe it exists in.

The Horizontal Life
...who knows what lessons lie ahead for the learning mind...

The Horizontal Life is like a journey; you start it by heading out on a path across the face of the earth.  You are forever moving forward, seeing new things, meeting new people, confronting obstacles and brave ideas.  Every day you're in a new place.  Eventually, your view and opinions have become seasoned by your now very broad scope of the world.  Its caused growth in you.  Its caused original opinions to be formed.  You haven't stayed rooted in the same spot without ever looking outside your comfort zone.  For you, life is a never ending journey and you're moving forward, leaving some baggage and things behind.  You're even changing your mind!  Bravo.

(Interestingly enough, whether you live a Vertical or Horizontal Life has nothing to do with you're actual physical movement.  It's your knowledge, mind, and spirit who need to decide this.  For example, a well-traveled person can, nonetheless, be living a very Vertical Life.)

In closing, I actually have a reason for sharing my five "before and after" thoughts (though some of them make me cringe when I remember how I've had to eat my words).  No, the reason was not to spark any debates or fan a fire of disagreement with people who think one way or the other.  Trust me, it doesn't feel awesome to expose how wrong I've been or how wrong you may think I am now. 

I actually have two valid points to make.

Be quite and listen to others; sometimes that's just as important as stating what you think.

First of all, be humble.  No matter how right you are, you may not be as right as you'd like to believe.  Of course, we all do what we do because we think we're right.  Duh.  But just remember, unsolicited advice is criticism.  It's totally awesome to share what you are doing in your life or how you've experienced something, positive or negative.  Telling your story is always okay and needs to be done.  But never expect others to be just like you or to do things your way.  No other human being is going to think exactly like you.  It's prideful to expect this in others.  Be humble, please.

Meet the person who has never been wrong in his entire life!
Congratulations!  Just what is your secret?

Second of all, if you've never changed your mind on anything, then that means you truly believe you've been 100% right in every area of your life since forever.  Wow.  If you're this person, I'm earnestly scared for you.  Don't be a toddler in an adult's body who refuses to grow, change, or adapt.  You're setting yourself up to live in a very small world with very small people.  Get outside your comfort zone and see the world from the eyes of a stranger! 

It's never to late to uproot yourself and take the first step of a Horizontal Life.

What way are you going to live?

(hand over mouth) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/viviannguyen/6343768579/">viviandnguyen_</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

(school work pic) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/goodncrazy/13706574073/">GoodNCrazy</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">cc</a>

(Home birth) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/eyeliam/7167882941/">Jason Lander</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">cc</a>

(peace sign) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/nohodamon/2336710068/">NoHoDamon</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

(drug photo) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/alittlefishy/475317883/">alittlefishy</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/">cc</a>

(red lipstick lady) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/light_seeker/7131963529/">Viewminder</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

(tree) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/mladjenovic_n/3480169658/">Nebojsa Mladjenovic</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

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(listen) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/highersights/6314325249/">highersights</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/">cc</a>

(head in sand) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/12023825@N04/2898021822/">tropical.pete</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/">cc</a>

(this way that way) photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/lori_greig/5331407245/">Lori Greig</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

Welcome to the Wolf Pack

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present, the tantrum.

Children bite.  They claw and kick and scream.  They express their anger in primal ways.  Truthfully, being a mother is like being the alpha of a wolf pack.

Now, I adore being a nurturer to my children.  I love cuddling them, singing them lullabies, and kissing away boo-boos.  I dance "silly" with them in the living room to movie credits.  I occasionally make up outlandish stories to explain how they are perfectly safe from any spooky shadows in their closet.

That being said, I'm well aware that I've signed up to be alpha of a wolf pack; a ravenous, cutthroat wolf pack with an unruly brood of eager young pups jonesing for leadership.  In this pack (aka family) we support each other and stand by each other.  I teach my children to survive and skills that will make them stronger.  I do this because, fact is, life is going to be rough sometimes and mommy wolf will not always be around.  (I'm alpha, not immortal for crying out loud!) 

Quite frankly, if I didn't have what it takes to be in charge of my young pups, I'd be setting them up for failure and creating a lifetime of disorder for my pack.



WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T HAVE THAT
BRIGHTLY PACKAGED, BRILLIANTLY PLACED CANDY BAR?!
In the presense of these Wal Mart shoppers, I officially
challenge you for alpha, Mother!  Prepare yourself!

You see, frequently, as alpha, I'm sneak-attack challenged by one of my young charges.  There is usually very little warning; sometimes the form of said challenge arises in an embarrassing scene played out in the grocery story where my child is morphed into a human tornado of arms and limbs kicking and screaming, a nice side show distraction in the otherwise boring checkout lane.  Other times the challenge is subtle but crafty; my little girl folds her arms boldly across her chest, glares at me with wrath, and states "no" or simply ignores what she's being told to do. 

Whatever method this brilliant young usurper uses, the challenge is the same, "Are you really in charge Mommy?" And, "Prove it!"

And here, folks, we have the tantrum played out in living color.

See, the interesting thing about my young pack members is, though they may battle me endlessly for the position of alpha, truthfully, they don't want it.  What they really want is to have a strong leader which is why they constantly challenge the alphas.  They want to know that their father and I deserve the respect they are going to give the people in charge.  They want to know they can trust me with this position I've been given.  If I'm weak and let them run over the top of me, let them rule the roost, then they know I'm an unfit leader.  They would think I don't deserve respect and therefore they would give me none.  They would believe I wouldn't be able to stick up for them because I couldn't even stand up to my own little pack.

I'm not saying I believe in ruling over your children as a tyrant.  I'm saying you can be calm, firm, gentle, and strong at the same time.  I try not to beg or bribe or plead with my children to behave and I believe they are better off for it.  Oh yes, I swoon over and reward good behavior but I don't tolerate the pack rules being thrown helter-skelter due to a toddler's will.

Life is a journey.  Eventually children will grow and carve their own path. 
But, while they are young, they look to their parents to guide them. 
They look to their parents to lead them.

I've been given a great responsibility in preparing these future adults for life.  This calling would be very difficult for me to complete of I were faint-hearted, hard-hearted, or even currently broken-hearted.  It's for a person whose heart can handle being told by someone they've poured their life into "I hate you!"  Someone who won't take it personally when they are challenged.  Someone whose will won't quiver and break when a firm rule must be imposed on a misbehaving pup.  Someone who is confident in who they are and has enough strength to establish a mighty pack.

So yes, I am mother, the alpha wolf.

(tantrum) photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/lovelornpoets/6792355531/">lovelornpoets</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">cc</a>

(wolf fight) photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/tambako/10039483454/">Tambako the Jaguar</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

(little girl) photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/lulupine/447618298/">LuluP</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

(journey) photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/anabadili/3082839059/">.craig</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

(lone wolf) photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ucumari/366089557/">ucumari</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

My Testimony

(This one was a struggle for me to write.  The subject matter is so personal and, if it feels like it gets a little over the top, it's truly because it comes straight from my heart.  Obviously, there are many many different stories that have affected my testimony but the one below is what I felt led to share.  While reading, keep in mind I'm not comparing my journey, story, and losses with anyone else.  We all have hurts and heartache and comparing one life to another is foolish.  This is simply my story, told from my perspective.  I hope it touches your life because it's a piece of mine I earnestly pour out to you. ~ Druanna)

I once had a minister tell me one of the powerful things I can share with another person is the story of how I came to believe what I believe.

This may be true but, honestly, I can't do this without first sharing someone else's testimony, one that has impacted my life profoundly.  Let me take a moment to tell his story:

Ben was born the middle child of a large family.  His parents were farmers and, as he grew, he would often be seen trailing behind his dad outside, eager to help and get as dirty as possible.  Completely "boy", he drove his older sisters insane with toads shoved in his pockets and pet grasshoppers continually getting loose in the house.  He was a very merry child and had a sensitive spirit.

Ben was quick to lose his temper and, an unusually strong boy, once knocked his older sister out for teasing him.  He was quick to hit.  He was easy to goad into anger.

I'm telling you all this to make one point absolutely clear; Ben was very much human.  He wasn't a saint and had the same selfish and sinful tendencies we all struggle with.

Despite this, there was something about him that absolutely radiated from the inside out; his love for Jesus.  As a small child he would walk up to unsuspecting adults and announce with enthusiasm, "Guess what?  I love Jesus!"  The adult would usually smile at him but he wasn't finished, "And you know what else?  Jesus loves me!" 

Here was a little boy who unabashedly would pronounce his love for the Savior to anyone at any time.  It was a wondrous thing.  Unhindered by the embarrassment or social graces we adults are often constrained by, this tiny soul talked about Jesus as if he was a close friend he had just spoken to.  There is nothing quite as beautiful as the faith of an innocent child and Ben's earnest love and unquestioning belief in his Jesus was truly remarkable to behold.  A little boy, not even seven, and he'd already begun ministering to others around him, touching lives in ways he could never know.

Ben didn't live to see the impact his life would have on others; when he was seven-years-old he died in a horrible farming accident.  He didn't grow to adulthood.  He never married or had children.  He never enjoyed teenage adolescence.  His life had barely begun and was cut short in one minute, a shocking illustration how life is just a moment and breath from living to dead.  All he had were seven years but his short life profoundly and deeply impacted those who loved him.

The reason I tell his story and the reason this boy's life and death are so closely linked to my testimony is Ben was my little brother.  I was thirteen-years-old when he died.  I don't think there are words in the spoken language that can begin to describe the effect this seven-year-old boy's life and death has changed my entire world and rewritten the map of my heart.

At the time of Ben's passing, I'd already given my life to Christ.  Though young when I did this, I was fully aware of what I was doing.  Nobody coerced or convinced me to ask Jesus to take over my life.  I wanted to belong to God.

That's how I became saved but that's not my story.  My story began on the day I started living for God, not before, and has continued every say since.  You see, many people have a rags to riches "Cinderella-ish" testimony of their journey to Christ.  They go through the shambles of this world, find Jesus, and end the story with their salvation.  That's beautiful and truly awesome but my tale isn't like that; I'd barely even lived when I started walking the path of the Christian.  However, I'm very thankful I was saved by the grace of God when I was young; otherwise I don't think I would have survived the trials of life since.  You see, being a Christian does not guarantee an easy journey but it does ensure you'll never walk alone.  Through all the tragedies and joys, through all the loneliness and hurt, through all the triumphs, I've always felt God there with me, holding me soundly with His right hand and keeping me from falling (even though, at times, He's had to drag me along).

My brother dying was one of the first times I felt the strength of God holding me up.  Ben's death was horrific and shattered any sense of reality we as a family knew.  The best way to describe what it felt like is this -- picture my family sitting down to have a photographer take a portrait of us.  Only, instead of taking our picture, the photographer pulls the pin out a grenade and tosses it at us, blowing everyone to smithereens.  That's the way it felt; sudden, shocking, horrific, and devastating.  It was like I was army crawling through the debris and remains of what had been my family, grabbing severed limbs and trying to put everything back together.  It was awful.

But you know what?  Jesus was there.  In the pain and the loss, I never felt abandoned.  In fact, I felt protected and it didn't make sense.  Here we were, going through one of the worst case scenarios a family can face, and I felt like God was there with me, hurting with me, his heart breaking along with ours.  I felt him saying, "Trust me.  This had to happen.  I know how you hurt and ache for your brother.  I know how your parents and sisters and brother are wounded and scarred by what has happened.  But trust me Dru.  I'm here.  You don't understand why this happened.  You don't know why I took him.  But just trust in me."

It was hard: hard to believe God had a reason; hard to realize I may never know the reason; hard to hurt and not be tempted to blame God or demand He return what was His to take in the first place. 

I may never know fully God's purpose in calling my brother home so early but I do know that Jesus never left my side.  Since then, through all the struggles of life, all the heartache, all the fears, all the hurts, He's been consistently there, whispering "Trust me."

My brother Ben believed with a faith as firm as the mountains he was surrounded by.  Even today, if asked, not one of my siblings will ever hesitate to answer where our brother is at this moment; Ben is in heaven, with the Jesus who loves him, waiting for the rest of us to come home as well.

For years I haven't talked about the effect my brother's life and death has had on my faith simply because it's been so painful for many people and is something we don't discuss freely.  Truthfully, a part of it will always be painful.  However, truth be told, I know I've done injustice to his legacy by not sharing his story, his testimony, and my testimony with others. 

Ben's story was meant to be told.  That's the whole point in all this, the whole point in our lives -- they were meant to be lived to the fullest for God in order that we might point others to him.  My testimony is incomplete without my brother's and the story of how one horrible event solidified my faith forever.  Ben's death, Ben's enthusiasm for God, the Spirit of God that radiated from such a small child, has changed me and my perspective on reality forever.  Heaven and God are real!  Never has anything been made clearer to me.  God was there when my brother died and He's never left my side.  Someday He'll call me home as well (praise God) and I'll thank my Jesus for giving us the hope of never ending tomorrows by cleansing our sins. 

And I'll see our Ben again and I'll thank him for his faith, a faith so full of enthusiasm and trust. 

May all of us who believe be able to boldly announce, "I love Jesus!  And my Jesus loves me!"

Random Acts Of Kindness

Taking the time to lend a helping hand.

Random acts of kindness.  Boy, it sounds good to say that.  Say it out loud for a second, in a lofty tone -- "Random acts of kindness." 

I see that phrase everywhere, Pinterest especially.  Some in depth quote or phrase by a good soul encouraging us to be randomly generous and kind to our fellow man.  We all nod in agreement, pat ourselves on the back for our progressive thinking, and think positively.

But do we actually do good to others or do we share motivational words on our Facebook feed and then go back to our lives where we barely look strangers in the eye?

True confession -- that's me!  I love the idea of volunteering and helping but when it comes to putting it into practice, I stumble, fall, and crash into a pathetic pile of good intentions destined to never get off the ground. 

See, there are two ways to help the world: giving of your money and giving of your time.  (Yes, for the nitpickers out there, you can do both but we're going to talk about them separately.)



This is totally a random act of kindess! 
I know I talk below about how easy giving money is
but there are so many things I love about this picture I just had to share. 
Seeing somone in need on the street and just giving without question = something beautiful happened.

Giving of your money

Okay, this one is so easy for me.  How awesome is it to give just five dollars?!  You never miss it!  Even bigger donations?  Totally doable.  Some might argue it's hard to give money but it truly isn't.  You can do without if you have to, especially when you comfort yourself with the idea that you're sacrificing for the good of others.

But, honestly, money is a very 'safe' way to give.  When I write a check to someone or some organization who needs it, I can hide safely behind my bank account, a few seconds of my time taken to scribble some ink and send my funds off into the world for the betterment of all. 

Let me pause and clarify -- I'm not dissing the act of giving to others financially.  It's essential.  It's necessary.  It's needed.

I am saying that, for me personally, the act of giving financially requires very little effort on my part.  It's my way of contributing but not having to get involved.  With a planned budget every month which allows for giving of our funds, it really takes all effort out of making a donation happen.

This brings us to the second form of giving...

Love.
I have a friend who does this with her daughters during the Christmas season;
what an awesome way to give of yourself.

Giving of your time

Boom!  There it is; the key ingredient of the 'random acts of kindess' call.  There are so many people who could use our help in the form of our two hands or an ear to listen or our heart to do something considerate for them.  Just our time really.  However, I have found, we can be exceptionally selfish with our time.

My husband and I had a conversation about this the other day.  We are well aware that we struggle with compassion, hospitality, and finding ways to give of ourselves to the world around us.  And I mean truly give of ourselves, not just give with our pocketbook.  (I know, I make us sound like two grumpy jerks.  I promise we're not bad people, just a little weather-beaten.  Honest.)  We've decided it's time to do something about it.  Because we are new at this practice, we've promised each other to do at least one act of spontaneous kindness every month.  I know it doesn't seem like much but we're baby-stepping ourselves into showing love to the world. 

For me, it won't be easy.  I always have ideas of how I want to help and end up talking myself out of them.  For one thing, it's HARD to put yourself out there with other people.  Here's an example -- if an acquaintance of mine is in the hospital, my first instinct is to buy flowers and show up with a flourish of love and encouragement.  Then I think, wait, what if they don't want to see anyone?  Oh, I'll bet they already have a ton of visitors already.  What if I say the wrong thing and make it worse?  What if it's awkward?  What if they hate flowers?!  What if I go to the wrong hospital walk around lost for HOURS?!  You see.  Within the matter of a few moments, I've talked myself out of my initial instinct of showing love and support and end up doing nothing.

Doubt; the killer of good ideas

The funny thing?  I KNOW better.  A few years ago, one of my family members I'm very close to was fighting brain cancer.  While people were generous and quick to volunteer to give stuff (food, fund-raisers, etc), I can count on one hand how many people actually took the time to really be there.  Ironically, all my loved one wanted was someone to come and visit him; he was handicapped while this was going on and someone stopping by and just sitting with him, maybe telling him about their day, would have meant the world.  But barely anyone did; lots of people said they were going to but never followed through.

It's not as if he only knew bad people; he knew a ton of wonderful, good, giving people.  That wasn't the problem; the problem was that people start to feel awkward, then doubtful, then hesitant and, eventually, they don't do to their fellow man the good they had originally intended.

I guess my encouragement to myself as well as my readers is to be bold.  It's better to extend a helping hand and have it smacked away than to never reach out to someone and let them fall.  It's scary to put yourself out there but it's not really about how we feel; it's about the good we are trying to do. 

Try.  What if you're the only one reaching out?

Starting is the hardest part sometimes.  I know I often wonder to myself, where in the world do I go to help others?  This is a silly problem I create in my head because, honestly, I could feed the birds in the park and I'd be doing something positive for the world.  It may not seem like much but I'll bet it matters a lot to the birds...

It's too late for a New Year's resolution or something grand like that so let's just do this thing.  Let's be creative and watchful and I'm sure the opportunities to change things around us will present themselves in abundance.



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photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/virtualsugar/3129428399/">Monica's Dad</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">cc</a>

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photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/jillclardy/5523802062/">Jill Clardy</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/">cc</a>